You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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