I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize