just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
