I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
