I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i will never coherently bang her
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
