Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
