the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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