Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize