just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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