The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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