saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
