My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
