You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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