Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
