So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
