so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
