I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What a dumb baby whore.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
