i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
