Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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