and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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