Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
