Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
