i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
