She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
