First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
did i just pee glitter
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
