the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
