I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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