Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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