I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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