she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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