You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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