Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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