I wish my penis had an off switch
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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