It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
