i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
