She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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