Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
