I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
