Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
