I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Drake has all the answers
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
