evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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