Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
