i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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