I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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