U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
