My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
