after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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