Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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