I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
