I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
