If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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