Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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