Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
