i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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