my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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