ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
