Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You are a genius and a whore.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
