I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We are two peas in an std pod
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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