I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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