Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my shit smells like andre
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
