I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
