i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
