My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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