i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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