jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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