i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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