genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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